Today was a bit of a milestone for me.  20 weeks ago, I asked my GP about the ‘Exercise on prescription’ scheme I’d heard about (also known as GP referral at participating gyms).  Luckily the closest one I could go to was West Park Leisure Centre, which is just up the road and also a place I had been to before when I was in one of my less agoraphobic phases, so I was able to keep a lid on anxiety.  While I didn’t know anyone, I was so fed up of my grumpy back and that my weight loss had halted, it gave me the courage to say yes when they contacted me to sign on to the scheme.

Today was my last session under the scheme and I feel really proud that I managed to stick not only at the gym once a week but also take a chance on something I’ve never done before which was Aqua-aerobics.  End results have been around a stone in weight loss and 4 inches off my tummy which is probably the hardest place for me to shift any fat.

The scheme itself was brilliant, the lady who manages it at the leisure centre was lovely and encouraging and the gym instructor who is trained for it was just awesome.  Additionally there was an NHS lady who can ‘buddy’ with you on any activity you wanted to try (it was she that got me into Aqua-aerobics) and I can’t express how much that helped.

For someone like me who has mental health problems the whole thing has been a godsend.

The biggest impact I think was one I didn’t consider and it surprised me.  Suffering from S.A.D. on top of everything else just sucked and I wasn’t looking forward to going into hibernation again.  This year has been the best winter, ever!  Even though it’s been the worst cold/rain/snow wise.  I still have my dysthymic days, that’s unavoidable, but no hibernation or hiding away and my energy levels have been so much better.

I am my worst critic and find it very hard to feel proud of myself no matter what I do.  But for once, I really do

Yesterday evening my back started to get a bit stiff and sore without any cause I can think of, which means it’s either going to get really grumpy or will just return to it’s normal achy state.  Sure enough, got up this morning and couldn’t stand up straight. Aaaargh.  This has happened a few times before and is excrutiatingly painful for a while before it eases up and I have to do an odd hunched shuffling walk to get around the house.  Outdoors I have to rely on my trusty walking stick which I am now very glad didn’t get thrown away when I lost enough weight to be able to walk unaided.  I’ve lost 6 stone overall!

Anyway, I had a blood test this morning to check for physiological things causing the tremors and shuffled into the doctors surgery and asked if there was a chance I could see someone about my back.  Luckily there was a cancellation just as I asked and was able to see the same doctor I had seen yesterday.  She took one look at me and said ‘you didn’t look like that yesterday!”.  Just call me Igor

She thinks I have a slipped disc and it’s caused the area around it to spasm so I now have some great drugs and if you shake me I rattle!  Tony also keeps laughing at me cos I am smiling amiably at everything.  *hmpf*

Unfortunately I didn’t spot it this time and when I turned up to get the prescription, I find there is no prescription and a note saying I need a review. Great.

Usually I have no problem with the receptionists – they are just doing their job and they aren’t medical professionals.  Most of the time they are friendly.  Occasionally they can be also be bolshy and unhelpful and today was my unlucky day.

I asked if there were any appointments available for my Doctor but was told she was on holiday and there were no pre-bookable appointments left until after christmas.  No further help offered.  Fantastic.

One of the drugs I have to regularly take are Anti-depressants because I suffer from Dysthymic Disorder.  Aside from the depression, another major facet of Dysthymia I particularly suffer with is low self esteem and lack of confidence and at that point I had an overwhelming desire to just walk away and hide.  Where would that leave me tho?

So I grit my teeth and ask if the review could be done by phone (they offer phone consultations which I find usually fantastic) but was told they no longer do reviews by phone.  No further help offered.  Fantastic.

I have to psyche myself up to actually go into the surgery in the first place.  My Doctor is fantastic but it took me a long time to find her and I’d seen a few of the other doctors in the practice before and not got on with them (another story).  So I had to psyche myself up even to go in and pick up the prescription and the thought of having to do it again to go back and actually see someone who wasn’t my regular doctor and who I have no trust with makes me feel panicky and exhausted.

I pathetically asked “so what do I do?” and was told call after such and such a time to get an appointment for the next day with any of the doctors.

By the time I had rushed back to the car I was crying and hyperventilating, and feeling disgusted with myself.  Then I was annoyed at them.

I understand they are doing their job but they also have a duty of care to patients and need to have an understanding that when someone comes into the surgery, it’s not because they are well and happy and a lot of people may be in a fragile state of mind.  It felt like pulling teeth getting the final answer of ‘ring at such and such a time’ when they could have easily stated that after the first question.  If I’d followed the overwhelming desire to get out of there I would have been left with no antidepressants and would have felt that there would be no option to get any until the New Year which would not have been good.

I feel angry on behalf of the people who might be in the same state I was before I was diagnosed because there would be no way I could have continued asking questions or tried to be even minorly assertive.

I’m annoyed at myself for not spotting the review was coming up but equally annoyed that to get to the point to rectify the situation has left me feeling panicky, depressed and tearful.  A little help would have gone a long way.

Ugh.