Why it makes me sad I have no idea.

I do have some fond memories of school and the people I was closest to but the overall experience for me was not good. I don’t know if I was the cause or if just being me was enough for some people to hate me, but I don’t recall ever being nasty to someone just to make them feel bad.

I also suspect it’s in the last few years of school (so when I was about 14), when Dysthymia started to rear it’s ugly head and I was very up and down and confused. I know that’s a common thing for most kids going through the change from child to young adult but I felt very lost. Maybe it’s because my behaviour was so erratic, that I became a target for the bullies.

I wasn’t popular and to be honest I didn’t care, I had the friends I did, and I also liked to be alone, to read or just to think. By the end of my school experience, I just wanted to be left alone.

Maybe I feel sad in part, because I feel I haven’t achieved anything since leaving school. I’ve tried various careers but bouts of depression usually ended my attempts. Or that I couldn’t be that go-getting high flyer with bags of energy and enthusiasm that people seem to want these days.

I don’t use Dysthymia as my excuse for everything but it did take so long to get diagnosed and appropriate treatment going that really, it’s only in the last few years I’ve started to piece everything together and started to figure out who I am. I feel I lost the most important years that most young adults have to figure out where they are going in life, to depression.

That being said, I feel proud of who I am now. I’m a wife, I have a home that I love and a husband who is my world, and not trying to sound overly dramatic, I am alive. That one word means so much to people like me because it is has been a very hard struggle to get to the point where I even wanted to be. I don’t think everyone will understand that, but if you do, feel proud of yourself too, and never give up. You never know what is round the corner.

*hugs*

SO tired. Combination of really crappy sleep lately cos of the heat and my normal bad sleep coupled with testing myself yesterday. I decided to see how I coped with being out of the house and in Beeston high street (so a fair amount of people), all day. I coped OK, I got pretty tired and my back was hurting by about 2pm and I was starting to get anxious. I managed to calm myself down and stay til it was time to pick up tony so I count it as a good success. A year ago I wouldn’t have been able to stay even 3 hours let alone all day so I am quite proud of myself.

The website rewrite is going OK, has been so long since I have done any html it’s all a bit gibberishy to me again but It’s slowly coming back. Have decided to go very simple unlike the flashy graphics from last time.

That’s all for now

*hugs*

Have decided to redo my website. Last time I redid the old one I was 28….. I’m now 33 *eeek* lol.

I’ve raised procrastination to an art form!

I particularly want to get my Book pages up and running again!!!!! So that is my plan!

Ooooh look at that shiny object….. *wanders off*