Random Witterings!

I spent part of today looking at www.facebook.com after a friend sent me an invite. It’s kind of fun and I’ve found a few people I’d pretty much lost contact with and hadn’t wanted to. Then I decided to log onto www.friendsreunited.com as I hadn’t even looked in quite a few years. I love the idea of it, to catch up with old friends from school, those people you spent so much time with and swore you would always stay in touch with.

Why it makes me sad I have no idea.

I do have some fond memories of school and the people I was closest to but the overall experience for me was not good. I don’t know if I was the cause or if just being me was enough for some people to hate me, but I don’t recall ever being nasty to someone just to make them feel bad.

I also suspect it’s in the last few years of school (so when I was about 14), when Dysthymia started to rear it’s ugly head and I was very up and down and confused. I know that’s a common thing for most kids going through the change from child to young adult but I felt very lost. Maybe it’s because my behaviour was so erratic, that I became a target for the bullies.

I wasn’t popular and to be honest I didn’t care, I had the friends I did, and I also liked to be alone, to read or just to think. By the end of my school experience, I just wanted to be left alone.

Maybe I feel sad in part, because I feel I haven’t achieved anything since leaving school. I’ve tried various careers but bouts of depression usually ended my attempts. Or that I couldn’t be that go-getting high flyer with bags of energy and enthusiasm that people seem to want these days.

I don’t use Dysthymia as my excuse for everything but it did take so long to get diagnosed and appropriate treatment going that really, it’s only in the last few years I’ve started to piece everything together and started to figure out who I am. I feel I lost the most important years that most young adults have to figure out where they are going in life, to depression.

That being said, I feel proud of who I am now. I’m a wife, I have a home that I love and a husband who is my world, and not trying to sound overly dramatic, I am alive. That one word means so much to people like me because it is has been a very hard struggle to get to the point where I even wanted to be. I don’t think everyone will understand that, but if you do, feel proud of yourself too, and never give up. You never know what is round the corner.

*hugs*

Well I got the courage to go to my gynecology appointment and have my coil (IUD) replaced. 5 years with no periods and no symptoms of PCoS has been utter bliss. Before I had it fitted, every month I suffered stupidly heavy flows, a lot of pain and very bad mood swings. In addition every few months I would also get a week or so of hyper-anxiety. I would be at full tilt the whole time, my mind racing, couldn’t relax, couldn’t sleep unless I was utterly exhausted. It seemed odd that these happened after particularly bad periods. Anyway, after a bit of investigation (and that is another story in itself), I was diagnosed with PCoS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). My hormones were completely out of whack and that is what was causing these hyper-anxiety episodes. They decided to treat it with a Mirena Coil (a progesterone releasing coil) and since it was fitted I haven’t had an episode again. Nor a period… woohooo!

It was very quick this time and it hurt quite a bit but it was worth it and is over fast. The weirdest part is going from a bit of discomfort with the speculum in to full on period pains in 5 seconds flat. After 5 years of not feeling that it was a bit of a shock Anyway, is all done and I can forget about it for another 5 years! I’ll tell the story of when it was first put in another time, was still a very surreal experience!

My friend Lynda came with me and was a trooper, squeezing my hand when I needed it badly… and reminding me to breath lol. *huge hugs* to her and a lot of thanks

*hugs*

It’s not often I feel moved to post about something, I find it hard to write about my thoughts on a subject having kept everything to myself for so many years.

So much positive stuff has happened the last year tho I have to start letting it out

My weight loss to date is 5 stone. I achieved this using the Weightwatchers point diet which is about the only thing that had any effect in the past, albeit in a small way.

My main incentive was to be able to walk properly, unaided and for more than just a few steps before it caused my back more pain than I could handle and the very real risk of becoming wheelchair bound.

I decided that under no circumstances would I be able to live like that so the only real choice was to lose weight. My lower back was already weak and the weight was just compressing the base of my spine and pressing on the nerves there so it was always inflamed and sore and when I tried to walk it would go rigid and I wouldn’t be able to flex or bend and the pain was just stupid. The only way to relieve it would be to sit down for a few minutes.

I used to dread going anywhere because I didn’t know if they had seating. Something as simple as going into the city centre shopping was a mammoth task and the route had to be planned around the public seating dotted here and there.

It was just no way to live.

I’ve had a nice break now from the diet and maintained my current weight and hugely (no pun intended!) enjoyed being able to move around so well. It’s like a new lease of life.

Now to get back on it!!

The reasons I got to the weight I was are many and I will post about them eventually… just not right now

*hugs*

Well, I finally got around to doing a blog… what on earth have I got to say? Hmmmmmm.

Am at a bit of a turning point in my life having let too many years go by and nothing to show for them. Not all laziness or being boring but I have long term depression and Anxiety issues. Social phobia/Agoraphobia thrown in and it makes me a very dull person Ok not that dull but I don’t go out much!

Soooo this year I decided to take myself in hand and DO something.

My aims for this year were :

1. To lose weight (Start of the year I was 23 stone *ouch*)
2. To learn to play the guitar (I played violin for several years as a young’un and didn’t want to go back to that)
3. To take up singing again (always enjoyed it but lack of any confidence put a stop to it).

I started weightwatchers Diet in January and to date have lost 3 and a half stone (48 pounds). Having a little break at the moment but maintaining my current weight of 19 and a half stone. Felt SO good for the first time in years being under 20 stone and that I have some control back over my weight. My mum took me clothes shopping as a treat and I ended up sobbing in the changing rooms when I tried something on and it was too big for me. I had outgrown the largest sizes of this particular shop so it was quite momentous for me.

This tuesday I started Guitar class at a local college and had SO much fun. I have a good friend called Jaye and she is very shy like me so we decided to do it and singing class together. Singing class started the following night on the wednesday and that was really good too. I love singing but for years have been too nervous or shy to sing with any volume in front of other people, even people I know. So that too was a very liberating experience. My finger tips of my left hand are raw from playing and practicing so I HOPE the callouses form quickly

That’s about it for now – more soon