Random Witterings!

I slammed my thumb into the ball at the end of the bannister and bent back half the nail and stunned the joint, now can’t bend it properly.

OUCHIES!

… since I updated my personal blog.  Most of my blogging efforts have been spent on my book review website at www.bookthing.co.uk and I just realised I’ve let this one lapse.  Oops!

Today was a bit of a milestone for me.  20 weeks ago, I asked my GP about the ‘Exercise on prescription’ scheme I’d heard about (also known as GP referral at participating gyms).  Luckily the closest one I could go to was West Park Leisure Centre, which is just up the road and also a place I had been to before when I was in one of my less agoraphobic phases, so I was able to keep a lid on anxiety.  While I didn’t know anyone, I was so fed up of my grumpy back and that my weight loss had halted, it gave me the courage to say yes when they contacted me to sign on to the scheme.

Today was my last session under the scheme and I feel really proud that I managed to stick not only at the gym once a week but also take a chance on something I’ve never done before which was Aqua-aerobics.  End results have been around a stone in weight loss and 4 inches off my tummy which is probably the hardest place for me to shift any fat.

The scheme itself was brilliant, the lady who manages it at the leisure centre was lovely and encouraging and the gym instructor who is trained for it was just awesome.  Additionally there was an NHS lady who can ‘buddy’ with you on any activity you wanted to try (it was she that got me into Aqua-aerobics) and I can’t express how much that helped.

For someone like me who has mental health problems the whole thing has been a godsend.

The biggest impact I think was one I didn’t consider and it surprised me.  Suffering from S.A.D. on top of everything else just sucked and I wasn’t looking forward to going into hibernation again.  This year has been the best winter, ever!  Even though it’s been the worst cold/rain/snow wise.  I still have my dysthymic days, that’s unavoidable, but no hibernation or hiding away and my energy levels have been so much better.

I am my worst critic and find it very hard to feel proud of myself no matter what I do.  But for once, I really do

So lately I’ve been getting a bit of a tremor/twitch thing going on which had really started to bug me and after a really bad day of it, finally went to the doctor’s.  Most likely it’s to do with the OCD side of Dysthymia but best to check there isn’t a physiological cause.  Even if it is an OCD issue, there are things that can help.  Anyway, have been put on Betablockers to see if they will do the trick and it does seem to have calmed down a bit.

Yesterday evening my back started to get a bit stiff and sore without any cause I can think of, which means it’s either going to get really grumpy or will just return to it’s normal achy state.  Sure enough, got up this morning and couldn’t stand up straight. Aaaargh.  This has happened a few times before and is excrutiatingly painful for a while before it eases up and I have to do an odd hunched shuffling walk to get around the house.  Outdoors I have to rely on my trusty walking stick which I am now very glad didn’t get thrown away when I lost enough weight to be able to walk unaided.  I’ve lost 6 stone overall!

Anyway, I had a blood test this morning to check for physiological things causing the tremors and shuffled into the doctors surgery and asked if there was a chance I could see someone about my back.  Luckily there was a cancellation just as I asked and was able to see the same doctor I had seen yesterday.  She took one look at me and said ‘you didn’t look like that yesterday!”.  Just call me Igor

She thinks I have a slipped disc and it’s caused the area around it to spasm so I now have some great drugs and if you shake me I rattle!  Tony also keeps laughing at me cos I am smiling amiably at everything.  *hmpf*

After relaxing my diet over the christmas period and eating pretty much what I wanted, I gained 5 pounds.  Not as good as it could have been but no where near as bad as I feared either.  I’m OK with it, I enjoyed myself and it’s good to let yourself eat what you want occasionally.  I tend to have my breaks around holidays so easter will be the next time I have something nice (yay easter eggs!).

However, it’s now time to get back onto the diet   I do Weightwatchers online and I find it very easy to follow, requires little effort and I get good results if I’m strict.  The first week of being back on it is usually the worst as your body gets used to it again and it can take that long to get your mind and willpower on board.

I went to Tesco this morning and got some food for both of us for tonight so Tony would be able just to come home and not have to do the shopping thing after work.  I’m happy I can help out that way but sometimes it gets hard if I’m craving something particularly bad for me.

This morning tested me – I was craving chocolate in the worst way so I bought socks instead

Pink and black socks.  With cows on

Yay socks!

So today I popped into the Doctors to pick up the prescription for my regular drugs (repeat prescriptions) that I requested last week.  Most of the time it’s a very easy process, I just ask for it and if it’s there and ready, it gets handed over.  Every now and again I have to have a drug review and most of the time I see it’s coming and can arrange an appointment with my Doctor.

Unfortunately I didn’t spot it this time and when I turned up to get the prescription, I find there is no prescription and a note saying I need a review. Great.

Usually I have no problem with the receptionists – they are just doing their job and they aren’t medical professionals.  Most of the time they are friendly.  Occasionally they can be also be bolshy and unhelpful and today was my unlucky day.

I asked if there were any appointments available for my Doctor but was told she was on holiday and there were no pre-bookable appointments left until after christmas.  No further help offered.  Fantastic.

One of the drugs I have to regularly take are Anti-depressants because I suffer from Dysthymic Disorder.  Aside from the depression, another major facet of Dysthymia I particularly suffer with is low self esteem and lack of confidence and at that point I had an overwhelming desire to just walk away and hide.  Where would that leave me tho?

So I grit my teeth and ask if the review could be done by phone (they offer phone consultations which I find usually fantastic) but was told they no longer do reviews by phone.  No further help offered.  Fantastic.

I have to psyche myself up to actually go into the surgery in the first place.  My Doctor is fantastic but it took me a long time to find her and I’d seen a few of the other doctors in the practice before and not got on with them (another story).  So I had to psyche myself up even to go in and pick up the prescription and the thought of having to do it again to go back and actually see someone who wasn’t my regular doctor and who I have no trust with makes me feel panicky and exhausted.

I pathetically asked “so what do I do?” and was told call after such and such a time to get an appointment for the next day with any of the doctors.

By the time I had rushed back to the car I was crying and hyperventilating, and feeling disgusted with myself.  Then I was annoyed at them.

I understand they are doing their job but they also have a duty of care to patients and need to have an understanding that when someone comes into the surgery, it’s not because they are well and happy and a lot of people may be in a fragile state of mind.  It felt like pulling teeth getting the final answer of ‘ring at such and such a time’ when they could have easily stated that after the first question.  If I’d followed the overwhelming desire to get out of there I would have been left with no antidepressants and would have felt that there would be no option to get any until the New Year which would not have been good.

I feel angry on behalf of the people who might be in the same state I was before I was diagnosed because there would be no way I could have continued asking questions or tried to be even minorly assertive.

I’m annoyed at myself for not spotting the review was coming up but equally annoyed that to get to the point to rectify the situation has left me feeling panicky, depressed and tearful.  A little help would have gone a long way.

Ugh.

Tony informs me it’s been too long since I’ve posted anything. He’s usually right A year isn’t long is it?! It is? Bugger

Tony and I are fine, the cats are insane but great and make us laugh daily with their antics – (I so wish I could draw, I’d make a webcomic about them).

We just celebrated our 10th Wedding Anniversary (10 years?!) and usually we are doing well if we both remember the month let alone the actual date So it was nice this year to both remember and we did the card thing. Then Tony made me cry by ordering me a gorgeous arrangement of Roses with a Helium Balloon and *gasp* CHOCOLATES! Best. Husband. Ever! I don’t think he expected me to burst into tears and then blubber all over him but that’s the price he pays for being awesome to me

Just a few words on marriage (have a snooze if you want)

Over the years it has not been plain sailing. My mental health problems have caused a lot of grief for both of us (mostly for Tony coping with a very sick wife) and my self-destructive tendencies could well have ended it for us. Tony stuck by me however, through everything me and my illness threw at him, until I realised I could trust him implicitly and no matter what I went through, he would be right there supporting me. That’s not to say he didn’t get angry at times, at being helpless to ‘fix’ me and watch me hurt us both in my messed up determination to make everyone hate me as much as I hated myself.

As my treatment progressed and I was able to mature a bit (OK a lot), it got easier to deal with and as my understanding and attitudes towards myself changed and I calmed down, I hope he began to see a lot more of the ‘real me’ rather than the ’sick me’.

I couldn’t have done any of it without him and I hope I am there for him as much as he has been there for me.

*soppiness alert – this is not a drill*
I love you Tony, thankyou for the last 10 years, be mine always?
*soppiness alert over*

In other news, I have to say a HUGE congratulations to my sister and brother in law on the birth of their third child – Welcome to the world Charlie! I got to meet him last weekend and he is SO cute and has MAD hair

That’s about it for now, will try to blog again before another year passes

Well today I had another Psychiatrist appointment. The last few have not been good for various reasons and I was ready to throw in the towel.

I didn’t expect it to go any better this time but oddly it was very good. I’d decided already to accept some courses I had been offered – Confidence / Self-Esteem and also an Anxiety Management one. The last few times it had been brought up, I had panicked at the thought of having to go to an unfamiliar place and meet strangers and just couldn’t.

Just lately I feel I have been progressing again. I’ve been getting out and seeing friends again, been feeling the desire to get out too which I haven’t felt in a long time. Ok it’s only once or twice a week but better than once a month. My mood has been low but I have also been quite positive about things and that led me to the decision to see if I could gain some insight from these courses. Maybe deciding it for myself rather than it being pressed on me made the difference.

The psychiatrist thought about changing my medication since I was still getting these low moods but I honestly said that since they didn’t last any where near as long as they used to, I could cope with them and also felt that in general they kept me fairly stable. I felt he was listening to me and agreed to keep things the same as long as I felt I was ‘OK’.

We had a chat about Dysthymia in general and how having a positive outlook and be willing and accepting new things to try makes all the difference. I know the tablets won’t cure me but they will help me to have a quality of life I am relatively happy with.

I seem to have had a stair like progression throughout the years with my illness. I climb a step then have to wait a while, until I get used to it and then feel I can progress again. I really think I have taken another step.

Anyway, enough introspection, here’s a lolcat

Feeling much better now, I do tend to panic when I go down like that, out of fear that it will be another deep and long bout. Thanks so much to my great friends for their support and hugs and to my wonderful husband Tony, who is always calm and reassuring and *always* there for me. I really can’t thank you all enough.

So here is a Lolcat

So today I wake up and feel spacey and not quite all there. As usual I tell Tony I’m fine, I tell myself I’m fine and despite trying to stay positive, gradually my mood drops over the day. Now at 15.14 I can’t stop crying and I have to admit I am having a very bad day. No reason, nothing sparked it off, it just happens for no apparent reason. Go Dysthymia!

I hate it. I hate how it makes me feel, that I don’t have anything to look forward to and there is no point in living anymore. I feel fat and ugly and am completely and utterly worthless as a human being.

I know this bout will pass, it may only last a day or it could last a week or a month until I return to my usual ‘level’. I’ve fought hard to get to that level and I get angry that for no reason, I get knocked from it and have to claw my way back up again. I refuse to give in to it tho, it’s not the real ‘me’. The ‘ill me’ and the ‘level me’ are two such very different people and I *really* don’t like ill me.

My usual instinct is to hide and avoid people when I am like this but Tony persuaded me that blogging about it could be a good thing, that it will get some of it out and in doing so might just help. He’s usually right so I am gonna trust him on this

So Blegh for the moment, but normal service should be resumed shortly.

*hugs*

I spent part of today looking at www.facebook.com after a friend sent me an invite. It’s kind of fun and I’ve found a few people I’d pretty much lost contact with and hadn’t wanted to. Then I decided to log onto www.friendsreunited.com as I hadn’t even looked in quite a few years. I love the idea of it, to catch up with old friends from school, those people you spent so much time with and swore you would always stay in touch with.

Why it makes me sad I have no idea.

I do have some fond memories of school and the people I was closest to but the overall experience for me was not good. I don’t know if I was the cause or if just being me was enough for some people to hate me, but I don’t recall ever being nasty to someone just to make them feel bad.

I also suspect it’s in the last few years of school (so when I was about 14), when Dysthymia started to rear it’s ugly head and I was very up and down and confused. I know that’s a common thing for most kids going through the change from child to young adult but I felt very lost. Maybe it’s because my behaviour was so erratic, that I became a target for the bullies.

I wasn’t popular and to be honest I didn’t care, I had the friends I did, and I also liked to be alone, to read or just to think. By the end of my school experience, I just wanted to be left alone.

Maybe I feel sad in part, because I feel I haven’t achieved anything since leaving school. I’ve tried various careers but bouts of depression usually ended my attempts. Or that I couldn’t be that go-getting high flyer with bags of energy and enthusiasm that people seem to want these days.

I don’t use Dysthymia as my excuse for everything but it did take so long to get diagnosed and appropriate treatment going that really, it’s only in the last few years I’ve started to piece everything together and started to figure out who I am. I feel I lost the most important years that most young adults have to figure out where they are going in life, to depression.

That being said, I feel proud of who I am now. I’m a wife, I have a home that I love and a husband who is my world, and not trying to sound overly dramatic, I am alive. That one word means so much to people like me because it is has been a very hard struggle to get to the point where I even wanted to be. I don’t think everyone will understand that, but if you do, feel proud of yourself too, and never give up. You never know what is round the corner.

*hugs*