Random Witterings!

Well today I had another Psychiatrist appointment. The last few have not been good for various reasons and I was ready to throw in the towel.

I didn’t expect it to go any better this time but oddly it was very good. I’d decided already to accept some courses I had been offered – Confidence / Self-Esteem and also an Anxiety Management one. The last few times it had been brought up, I had panicked at the thought of having to go to an unfamiliar place and meet strangers and just couldn’t.

Just lately I feel I have been progressing again. I’ve been getting out and seeing friends again, been feeling the desire to get out too which I haven’t felt in a long time. Ok it’s only once or twice a week but better than once a month. My mood has been low but I have also been quite positive about things and that led me to the decision to see if I could gain some insight from these courses. Maybe deciding it for myself rather than it being pressed on me made the difference.

The psychiatrist thought about changing my medication since I was still getting these low moods but I honestly said that since they didn’t last any where near as long as they used to, I could cope with them and also felt that in general they kept me fairly stable. I felt he was listening to me and agreed to keep things the same as long as I felt I was ‘OK’.

We had a chat about Dysthymia in general and how having a positive outlook and be willing and accepting new things to try makes all the difference. I know the tablets won’t cure me but they will help me to have a quality of life I am relatively happy with.

I seem to have had a stair like progression throughout the years with my illness. I climb a step then have to wait a while, until I get used to it and then feel I can progress again. I really think I have taken another step.

Anyway, enough introspection, here’s a lolcat

Feeling much better now, I do tend to panic when I go down like that, out of fear that it will be another deep and long bout. Thanks so much to my great friends for their support and hugs and to my wonderful husband Tony, who is always calm and reassuring and *always* there for me. I really can’t thank you all enough.

So here is a Lolcat

So today I wake up and feel spacey and not quite all there. As usual I tell Tony I’m fine, I tell myself I’m fine and despite trying to stay positive, gradually my mood drops over the day. Now at 15.14 I can’t stop crying and I have to admit I am having a very bad day. No reason, nothing sparked it off, it just happens for no apparent reason. Go Dysthymia!

I hate it. I hate how it makes me feel, that I don’t have anything to look forward to and there is no point in living anymore. I feel fat and ugly and am completely and utterly worthless as a human being.

I know this bout will pass, it may only last a day or it could last a week or a month until I return to my usual ‘level’. I’ve fought hard to get to that level and I get angry that for no reason, I get knocked from it and have to claw my way back up again. I refuse to give in to it tho, it’s not the real ‘me’. The ‘ill me’ and the ‘level me’ are two such very different people and I *really* don’t like ill me.

My usual instinct is to hide and avoid people when I am like this but Tony persuaded me that blogging about it could be a good thing, that it will get some of it out and in doing so might just help. He’s usually right so I am gonna trust him on this

So Blegh for the moment, but normal service should be resumed shortly.

*hugs*

Well I intended to blog more and do a daily lolcat but sadly my Step-Nan Biz passed away.  She was a formidable woman and will be greatly missed by her friends and family. I have some very fond memories of her and am glad she is now at peace and with those she loved that passed on before her.